You said you love me. Why does it hurt so FUCKING MUCH?
You said you love me. Why does it hurt so FUCKING MUCH?
I finally got the truth from you. As to why you haven’t slept over in a week. As to why you haven’t call to check in or make me feel love.
After you ruined my birthday party, I finally forced you to say it.
The real reason is that you don’t know if you still want to be with your baby mother or me. It’s probably the guilt of when you are with me.
They always said if you fall in love with two people to always choose the second one because you wouldn’t have fallen for them in the first place.
But I guess all the time we had together didn’t mean shit.
I won’t make you decide because I will decide for you and walk out of your life.
I just can’t understand it. If you don’t want to be here why are you stringing me along? Why can’t you leave me alone? I am already heart broken. Just leave so I can pick up my heart and learn to move on.
But before you go I just want to know why you never choose me, not even for a second?
Or maybe that’s better left unsaid.
I love you and I miss you dearly but I am going crazy missing and wanting something who doesn’t want me.
Broken Hearted Girl
I love you. Wasn’t that enough? I can’t unloved you.
Couldn’t you see I would have crossed oceans and mountains for you?
Didn’t you feel my love when I cooked all your favorite meals? Or when I sat there and listen to all your complaints, drama, pain, fears, dreams and just about everything else that came out of your mouth? Didn’t you feel it in the way I kissed you, the way I touched you, the way I rubbed your back, or the way I played with your bread?
Didn’t they say, “Love conquers all?” Wasn’t my love enough?
Now all I have is a broken heart and a confused mind.
Every time I think about the feeling of being loved, I think about that night we were coming back home from Six Flags. We were both sleeping in the back row of my mother’s mini van.
You were hugging me and I fell asleep in your arm. Then there was a bump in the road and you held me closer. You hugged me very night and I woke you up to ask you to let me go a bit. You said “Sorry, I wanted to make sure you were still here”. I laughed and reply, “Where else would I go? The floor?”. You laughed and said, “Nowhere I just wanted to make sure you were here in my arms. I don’t want to lose you.”
I will never forgot that night. That moment you held me tight because you were afraid to lose me.
I want you to know when I think of the feeling of being loved. I think of the way you treated me so love. So kind to me and always full of love.
Thank you for showing me how great it feels to be loved. Thank you for setting my standard high.
Isn’t it crazy how one person can alter your feelings?
We meet again, about a year ago and at that time I was a mess. I was numb to almost everything. I had a weight on my shoulder that I couldn’t seem to shake off. But just like that, a few words, a few hugs, a few kisses, and for some reason the weight was lifted. I felted like myself again. Your touch, your kisses, the rubbing of my back, everything you did put me on cloud nine. I felt like I was in a different world. You made me feel things I didn’t think I would feel again; loved.
But just as simple as a kiss, you broke me. You fix me and then you broke me. You left me broken. And you can’t even see that I am broken because of you.
One day the calls stopped, the kissed stopping, the hugs stop. It all ended abruptly. I didn’t understand why. My shoulders felt heavy again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I missed you so much. I wanted you by my side. I wanted you to be you again.
What happened? Was it me? Was it you?
Why did you take your love again from me? Why would you fix me to break me all over again. Did you enjoy taking out my heart and stomping on it?
Sept. 19 1:50 PM
It’s crazy because before I used to always wondering if you were coming home to your side of the bed. I used to cry because I wouldn’t know if you would come back.
It’s crazy how I used to cried my outs to Your Side of The Bed by Trey Songs because I understood every word he sang.Every time you left it was my heart you were taking with you and I seriously didn’t want to sleep without you. It was lonely.
I used to cry every night for you. I wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning, imagining you here next to me. Telling myself it’s okay, sleep, he will come back. So just go back to sleep.
The worst happened, you didn’t come back. I wished you came back because you still had your side of the bed. I left it for you.
But today I remove your pillow and I am now sleeping in the middle. You know no longer have a side of the bed. I guess after all the time you neglected me, all the times you stayed out, all the times you wanted to act like you didn’t have a home, well now you really don’t have one.
There’s no side of your bed, and I no longer wished you were here. It was really hard sleeping without you but I guess after months of not having you around, your body gets tired of waiting, wanting something it can’t have.
You left me in the dark. Countless nights to sleep alone. After all the tears, I finally learned to sleep without you and can finally close by eyes without you by my side.
I hope you are now tossing and turning in your bed for me. As I used to yearn for your touch.
I was lounging and I Still Believe by Mariah Carey came on. I smiled for a second and thought of you.
It’s crazy how at one point whenever this song came on, I cried because the lyrics spoke to me. It’s true when you are sad you understand the lyrics.
When I used to sing this song, tears would start to form and it hits home for me when she sings “I know it’s crazy but you can still touch my heart. And after all this time you think I wouldn’t feel the same. But time have passed into nothing and nothing have change”. It’s crazy how I used to think we would find ourselves in love again.
We even had a five year plan. We were silly teenagers. The plan was that we would meet again in 5 years and we would be together. The details between didn’t matter, all that matters was this was our reassurance of being together again.
It’s now over 7 years and we aren’t together. So much for the five year plan. I can finally sing I Still Believe, and instead of tears in my eyes, I only have sweet memories of us together. I smile brighter now and I know we are both in a better place. We are living.
But who knows maybe one day we will find ourselves in love again.