September 15 2:12 P.M
How can I be so stupid to let you play with my emotions again? I told myself I would be strong. I held my ground but then my knees started to buckle once you held me in your arms and kissed me. Your body finally felt warm again and it felt so good.
But I reminded myself of the way you say my name, pronouncing every sound like it’s forceful coming out of your mouth. When you always called me babe and it rolled out of your mouth ever so smoothly.
As you held me in your arms, I had hope, hope that it work and that you can love me or even have room for me in your heart.
I laid there and told you I am running on empty, like I had nothing more to give. I already gave you 100, all of the chips I had. I guess I should of listened when they always said never give 100 because then there’s no more to give. But for you I thought it was worth it. I told you what I want which was happiness and a relationship. I am tired of running around and waiting.
I knew it was stupid to tell you because I would only get my hopes up for you to break it. And boy am I never wrong, because you just laid there. Said nothing after I asked you “what do you want”? You laid there in silence then said you were tired and fell asleep.
Your silence said more than enough. It told me what I felt a while ago. A part of me wanted to say you wanted me, wanted us but I knew I would be fooling myself.
You woke up from your nap, disoriented and tired. I gave you time to get dress and gather your things before I asked in my most serious tone and straight face, “What do you want?”
Yet again silence, an even longer one. My heart ached a little but in my head, I knew I had to let go. I told myself don’t cry over a stupid boy. No more tears for him.
You looked out the window then breathed out and said, “I am not ignoring you. I had a train of thought but I lost it. I am just tired”.
I didn’t expect an answer or at least one I would like. Typical of you. I replied it was a simple question, “What do you want?”
You lashed back and said, “I told you. It’s not.”
I was too upset, to over it to fight back. If you couldn’t have answered a simple question as “What do you want” then I know I no longer need to be in your life. You could of easily said, you, us, time for myself, her, your daughter, anything at all, but instead you said nothing and that’s the worst one of all.
As I am sitting here with disappointment yet again from you, a part of me is wishing you would come back to the door saying, “Sorry, I want you.” or a phone call or text.
But this only goes to show you really don’t want me. You aren’t ready for commitment and that is something I will have to admit. I have to let go of what could be with us and try to figure out my life for me before I destroy my sanity.
Now cut the shit and stop tripping over a boy who don’t care about your wants or needs.
The rational me