I looked down at my phone and two text message awaits me. I clicked it and the first text read “Why are you up early?” “Something else is always up so she have to get up” read the next text. I giggled and breathe a deep sigh and whispered to myself “if only they knew”. My heart started to feel heavy again and I could feel my breath getting shorter and shorter. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply and told myself “I AM FINE.
But I quickly text Kelly in a private text:
Justin and I called it off.
We still care for each other and talk but we can’t be together.
He have to do what he have to do.
He have another chance to be with his family.
I didn’t tell anyone.
I am going through it.
What. That’s crazy.
At least you ended on good terms.
Now you can focus on yourself.
I am hurting. I need you.
If you aren’t busy let’s hang out and you can do my nail.
I have work. But okay let’s.
I am not going to work anymore.
So you can get me and we can cook at your place.
Okay sounds good.
After work, I called Tori and invited her to get a bite with Kelly and I. Tori said, “No thanks”. As I drove to get Kelly from the train station, Tori calls back and says, “Wait, I want to go now”. “Fine, I’ll come back for you now. Come down in 2 minutes”.
We are all in the car and I asked them where they want to go and they both replied “wherever”. But as I mentioned restaurants, they said, “No. No. No. Not craving that”. A bit frustrated I said “Well I am driving so choose”. Annoyed, Kelly said, “I don’t care just no Asian food”. “Okay, let’s go to Lolita”, suggested Tori. “Again? Really?” I asked. “Well their drinks are really good and I want one”. “Fine. We are going there”.
All three of us are sipping on strawberry sangria and munching on pork nachos. We told each other about our days and other things we needed to catch each other on.
Then I mentioned, “Hey do you think I should get a bob, because this hair isn’t working for me. Tori answered “Yeah it really isn’t” and gave an ugly look. “Get one. Let me cut it. Don’t go to your stylist unless you want it to be super Asian” added Kelly. I think I am really going to get it. I been feeling ugly. It’s not just your haircut but there’s something else said Tori in a stern voice.
In disbelief I stared at Tori in an awkward silence. My heart started to beat a little faster as I replied, “ No, it’s just my hair because I don’t style and it doesn’t fit my face”. Tori’s eyes widen as she said “No it’s not. There’s more to it. I can see it in your eyes. What is it?”
My heart was beating even faster and I quickly glance at Kelly then turn to Tori and lied. “Nothing is wrong”. “Then why are you looking at Kelly? Fake! Is it Justin? Just tell me” demanded Tory.
As soon as I heard his name my heart dropped and my eyes started to get watery. I was doing everything to hold back the tear, the sick feeling in my stomach and myself from blurting, “Yes and I have been a mess”.
With Kelly knowing the real deal, she quickly blurted “It’s just her hair once I style it, it will be pretty. She’s fine. I came to have a good time, let’s drink”. Then takes a big gulp of her drink.
But Tori wasn’t buying it and asked with this serious look, “Are you happy?” Kelly moans “leave her alone and just enjoy today”. Tori kept insisting. “When you was dating RJ you told me you were unhappy and wanted to get out but didn’t know how. So are you happy now”? I tried to play dumb and said, “Happy how? In general or what”. Already annoyed Tori gave me a look.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and replied, “In general I am. With RJ he treated me well but I wasn’t happy. With Justin he treats me well too and I am happy but… I got quiet and could feel the tear and anxiety kicking in. I inhaled deeply to tell my next lie, “I am happy with Justin. But you know he have another life. It’s so hard. I want him but I know he can’t throw them away at least not his daughter.
It got quiet for a second then Tori replied, “Well I already told you. Do you mind being second because you will always be second”.
“Always being second” just kept running through my head as she continue to on. I kept thinking second, second, second. I will always be second. I can never be first or on the same level. The reality of this made my eyes even more watery.
Feeling the tension and intensity of the conversation, Kelly jumps in and yelled “leave it alone”.
But here was Tori, one of my closet friend and I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Not because I couldn’t trust or confide in her. But it was because she the mirror I was advoiding. The person will tell me the harsh truth and reality of things. I have been hiding from her becoming distance but tonight I knew I didn’t want to avoid her anymore.
More silence and as loud as the restaurant was, all I could hear was the intense pounding of my heart. My mind was racing of where to begin to tell Tori but at the same time it was too much in one sitting. I didn’t want to lie to her so I told her “it’s just a lot harder than I expect. I guess I say I am okay with it but deep down it bothers me a lot. I know it’s affecting me slowly and secretly. It’s taken a toll on me”.
After admitting to Tori that it was secretly bothering me, I felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I was stressed, lost weight, and became depressed but didn’t tell a soul. But hearing it come out of my mouth felt so good because it was like I was admitting and coming to terms with it.
But I was still sick to my stomach and nauseous. I wanted to hurl but held the throw up from coming up.
“Well are you happy or not? What are you going to do”? Tori said, as she brought me back to reality. I stared at her blankly as I lied, “Well Justin and I are going to do our own thing from now on and hang out on weekends. “But you said you wanted to get a weekend job. Will you have time for him”? Trying to cover the truth quickly, I lied and said “Well I will see him at night like we always do and hang once in a while”. Tori shrugged.
I could feel the tears coming on again as I lied because I couldn’t bear to tell her it’s over between us. That he had choose his other life over me. But doesn’t want us to be over. I know she wouldn’t allowed it.
I started to feel sick again. I couldn’t helped but gagged a few time and they noticed. I tried to play it off and told them it was the sangria. But in reality my heart had dropped to my stomach and I sick and hurting again.