A Girl of Your Past

Dear You,

I can’t believe I actually went to see you.

When I first saw you, I was so nervous because I have forgotten how you looked. It was a little awkward because we were meeting again after 6 year. I couldn’t believe it. Time flew by and we changed but despite it all, you still gave me the butterflies.

You asked for my duffle bag and we headed toward the train station and everything felt normal. It was as if time never passed since we picked up where we left off years ago. It felt really good to talk to you in person again and catch up.

I won’t deny that we still care about each other, but we are just at two different point in our live. We are just doing our own thing.

We have a unique friendship.

You told me you broke up with your ex and wished what I had with you, you could have with her, but since you couldn’t you called it off. We did have something special. I said to you, “Sweetie, you can never have the relationship you had with me with someone else, because let’s face it we still care about each other and there’s still something here”. You replied, “I won’t lie, I still care”.

We only broke up because you wanted me to have fun in college and didn’t want to be the reason to hold me back.

You are still young and want to live that party life. You told me you don’t want to be in a relationship but want to have fun so that when you are married, you will be settled and faithful. You always was a big flirt, so I don’t blame you. I always love your charming personality. You were Mr. Cocky for a reason.

Joking I told you, “we will meet again in six years” and you replied, “Good because by then I will be settled, mature and ready. I responded “who know what will happen, only time will tell but if you get marry just invite me to the wedding”.

At the end of the day I’m glad we are still friends because we always have a good time together. We went out and you was my wingman and I was your wing woman. I sensed the jealously when you noticed I didn’t need a wingman. Your reaction of “you can have her” was priceless. Don’t worry, I’m not going nowhere.

I don’t know if you recall but you got drunk Saturday night and whispered in my ears, “Who knows I might marry you because we are still close and there’s something still here”. My heart melted.

Everywhere we went people thought we were a couple. I guess the chemistry is still there and still strong.

It was an amazing weekend and the most fun I had in a while. It felt like old times, all I did was laugh and laugh. We weren’t an item but just friends, and I love every bit about it. I needed a friend and you was there to pick up my spirit. Thank you.

As much of a great weekend it was, it was also very sad for me. The saddest part was the reality of us; two people who still care for each other but aren’t together for whatever reason.

I text you thanks for a great weekend, see you in a few years and have best of luck and you reply same to you.

When I read your reply, I was really happy. It was as if that was the closure I needed from you after all these years. It was the reassurance that we won’t get back together. No matter what we will always care for each other but that weekend put an end to what we were always wondering; if we still care and if there would be part two.

Even though we were young when we dated, I want you to know that I really loved, valued, and appreciated our relationship. It meant a lot to me. We were young and in love. Everything was perfect. But I guess everything happens for a reason. But as we always say, “It’s all good memories, nothing to erase, only to keep. TQM”.

At the end you told me you aren’t coming back home to Boston. I always thought you would come back for me but I finally understand why you can’t. You made a life in New York and it’s your future while I was your past, a good one at that.

I can’t do nothing but wish you the best and hope we can always be friends. At least I got to see you one last time.


The girl of your past













How Do You Know When It’s Over?

Dear You,

You had once asked me, “How do you know when it’s over”? I didn’t know where to start, I just knew it was a feeling you get. All I could say to you was, “You just know. You will feel it”.

I hope you ask me again because this time I will have an answer for you.

I will tell you it’s over:

When you are listening to music and memories of the person doesn’t appear

When you no longer understand the lyrics because they are just a bunch of words

When you don’t cry when listening to music because you can’t relate anymore

When you no longer reminisce about the bittersweet memoires you had together

When you don’t long for the person to be right next to you or by your side

When you don’t wish you can kiss and hold that person again

When you don’t stand at the door, hoping they would suddenly appear

When you don’t sit by the phone eagerly expecting a text or a call from them

When you don’t hold their words or them accountable

When you no longer have sleepless night

When you don’t wake up throughtout the night with bad dreams about them

When you don’t have anxiety anymore

When you don’t cry anymore because you are all cried out

When you don’t care to make an effort to try

When you no longer have any expectations from them

When you aren’t exhausted from fighting the battle within yourself

Lastly, you will know it’s over when you become numb. When you don’t feel anything, and there’s no feeling of love or hope but emptiness. When you get there, that’s when you will know.

I am able to tell you these things because for a while now, I known it’s over for us. I just needed my heart to catch up to my brain.


Empty Person

Unexpected Attack

I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. I was at JFK airport waiting for a connecting flight to go home. The flight was delayed for a few hours. Finally after a long wait, an announcement was made that flight 221 to Boston will begin boarding in 30 minutes. At that moment something unfamiliar happened.

My chest became tight, breathing became harder, hands started shaking, and tears started to form. I felt like someone had choke the life out of me. I didn’t know what this weird feeling was or how it started. I thought I was having a heart attack but then I realized it was anxiety kicking in.

I quickly breathe in and out, trying to calm myself down. But each time a row was called to board, I inhaled faster and faster. I could feel my heart getting heavier each time. It was pumping so…

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Tiny Hearts

Dear you,

I figured with the start of a new year why not rearrange my room and get rid of the things I don’t use or need anymore.

As I started to clean the room, I came across this round container I gave you last Valentine. It was filled with hand cut heart shape post its with quotes and sayings.

As I was reading the hearts, tears filled my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. It seems like I need these hearts more than you do especially now since I am letting you go.

I read through all of them and at the end I couldn’t find the one I was looking forward to. The one that said, “Even if everyone gives up on you, I won’t”.

I hoped you took that one with you and I hope you are carrying it in your heart.


Countless Post Its Hearts

It Wasn’t My Place, It Was Your Heart That Became Cold!

Sept. 27, 2015

Dear You,

Why don’t you come home anymore? I miss you. I wished you came home. You used to come home every night. I even recalled that night when you didn’t come home because you got too drunk and your friend left you in the car. Once I got a hold of you, you Facetime me to show me where you were, so I wouldn’t have worried.

But now I go hours worrying about where you are. I don’t get it, you have a home, why don’t you come home anymore? Why are you sleeping around like you are homeless? Why are you sleeping where you shouldn’t be?

I asked you, “Why don’t you sleepover anymore?” You replied, “Because it’s cold at my place.”

Is it because your heart became cold towards me? Is it because you don’t want to be here? Did you ever think I was cold all these nights without you? Did you ever think once how I felt? Why don’t you just admit to us both that it was cold for you because this wasn’t home for you anymore, that this wasn’t where your heart was.

It all make sense because that’s why you always felt cold when I hugged you. Your body use to be warm, loving, and I loved cuddling with you. Our bodies used to warm us up, our love. But now your body is ice cold and I am just burning you with my love.

Oh how I wish the old you can return but I know you are long gone.

I have to do the hardest thing; let go.

It still cold without you. Winter is coming. But I keep filling myself up with thoughts of us or what used to be us to keep warm.

I now know it’s not because my place was cold, it’s because you became a cold SON OF A BITCH!


The Freezing Me

Mentally & Physically Drain

Sept. 27 12:35 AM

Dear You,

You asked me to cook you dinner just like old times. You requested steak, salad, and this special dipping sauce I made with rice.

You said we are on the road to being to normal.

What is normal and how do we get there again?

Do I put aside all the pain, tears, and frustration you cause me? Do I pretend like it doesn’t exist or that my feelings doesn’t matter?

I don’t understand how you expect us to be normal when I still feel the way I feel: unloved and unwanted.

I packed your things and I asked you to leave. I told you I cannot do this anymore.

I am exhausted. I am exhausted with everything. Tired of making excused. Tired of expectation. Tired of wanting. Tired of it all.

Can’t you see you caused this all on me? I became thin, have no appetite to eat.

I am mentally and physically drained. I have no more strength to fight for something I once believed in.

I did my part. I really tired. I fought hard. But now I have to let go and let faith take it’s course.

Please, I am begging you, please have the courage to let me go and stay away from me.


My brain.



So Sick.

Dear You,

I am so sick of you. Sick of the lies. Sick of everything. Sick of being sick to my stomach!

Sick of myself for expecting you to call, for expecting you to show up. Sick of myself thinking you would change and love me for me.

Finally I am sick of the thoughts of you, and being with you. I don’t know why I was so caught up. Please do me a huge favor and stay the fuck out of my life.

Let’s pretend we both don’t exist. Oh wait you done that pretty well these past few month.

Now delete my number, delete my address, delete the memories and delete everything else that reminds me of you. Don’t do your once in a while check in/miss you talks/visits.

I don’t need it no more. It’s gotten to a point where I am literally disgusted by your presence.


The nonexistent person